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Brian Dozier is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Plans are moving forward for a shortened MLB season outside of a BioBubble. The Angels are devils when it comes to paying non-player staff. Lastly, we have a lovely conversation with Emily Wolfson. Emily is an architect, artist, and founder of Unforgettaballs, “painted baseballs with meaning and style.” Emily’s work celebrates the essence of historic ballparks, players, events, and even baseball movies.

Jose Canseco is our Muse

You should watch the finals of the First Annual Bump Bailey Wax Pack Hero Tournament of Awesome. No reason, other than Patti, Pottymouth, Jose Canseco, and a Golden Pickle. Over in the KBO, Pottymouth’s favorite Dinos rock a commanding first place record, and a mascot named Swole Daddy. For those missing fake baseball, MLB’s Dream Bracket 2.0 starts this week. Patti and the Pottymouth were interviewed for the Baseball is my Muse blog, which is a fun read.

Mother’s Day, Mimosas, and Monsoons

Patti and the Pottymouth get a little weepy over Mother’s Day. We start with laying out the rumored plan for bringing back MLB, and poke it full of holes like a biobubble over a spring training facility. Moving on the our current love, the CPBL, we discuss how Taiwan has earned getting baseball back. For the second and final rant of the episode, we review the probable repercussions of reducing the MLB draft from 40 to only 5 rounds.

KBO and IPAs

Fueled by Isolation Pale Ale brewed by Mr. Pottymouth, your hosts learn about Korean baseball from Jeeho Yoo, KBO reporter for Yonhap News Agency in Seoul. The umpires union negotiates pay in this uncertain season, and a voice in planning MLB’s return. We spend a hot minute on some of the options being offered as ways we may see major league ball this summer.

A Suitcase Full of Monkey Swag

NCiB talks Taiwanese baseball with Daniel Shih, sports director at @tstvsports and host of “Rants With Danny Shih. The Commissioner’s report on the sign-stealing investigation of the Boston Red Sox is released to a great deal of suspicion. Pottymouth reports back on the standings in the various fake baseball tournaments, after bravely trying to watch a Dream Bracket simulation.

Monkeys and Wyverns and Dinos. Oh, My.

10,000 employees of Major League Baseball, from players and front office staff to ushers and your friends that sell you your ballpark beer, have volunteered to participate in a Coronavirus Antibodies study that may help shape public policy. The truncated MLB draft, and the shortened (or nonexistent) season, has a ripple effect on opportunities for college players and young prospects. Actual real baseball played by humans in fan-free ballparks is happening in Taiwan, and if you like baseball with your morning coffee you can watch the four team CPBL tournament via Twitter.

Scorekeeping with Blake: The Reckoning

In the final installment of our score keeping trilogy, Blake grades Patti and Pottymouth’s homework (totally on a curve), and answers the hard questions. In the post-apocalyptic world, baseball is played in an Arizona-based BioBubble, and basketball in Vegas. What could possibly go wrong?

That Juan Soto Run-down, Though

Pencils and scorecards are ready for Part 2 of “Scorekeeping with Blake." After a brief Sports Movie Review conversation in which Pottymouth name-checks Psycho, and Patti defends quiz shows as a sport, we go back to actual baseball.

There’s Beer and People are Nice

Patti and the Pottymouth are excited to start a new segment today: Scorekeeping with Blake. MLB and the player’s union came to an agreement on salaries, service time, the draft, and how a shortened season may look this year. We break it down for you and play out potential repercussions for high school and college players, through the minors. The Commish reports on the Fantasy Baseball Boyfriend League, and how the color commentary on draft rosters (and beer) keeps her going while trying to enforce the Boyfriend Rules from Hell.

Interview with Jeremy Wolf, CEO, More Than Baseball

On the day the Save America’s Pastime Act passed, allowing teams to pay minor league players below minimum wage, More Than Baseball was born. Former players Jeremy Wolf and Slade Heathcott, along with current player Simon Rosenblum-Larson, created an organization to make sure minor leaguers have what they need to succeed.

The One Where Patti #stayedthef*ckhome

Even a Beermobile delivery is not enough to make up for Patti and Pottymouth not being in the same room, but nevertheless, we persisted. COVID-19 is spreading through professional sports, but so far its baseball reach is limited to the Yankees minor league system, keeping 150 players quarantined together. We announce our starting lineups for our Fantasy Boyfriend Baseball League, drawn from the guys we have profiled over the past several months, and invite you to join us.

An Abundance of Caution

Patti and the Pottymouth and their socially-distanced Smart Baseball Brains bring you the baseball state of the pandemic. Even though the season delay pushes back our Fantasy League, we forge ahead and choose our pitching squads. It’s time for NCiB’s Fantasy Boyfriend Baseball League! Contact us via social media if you want to play rotisserie fantasy ball, following our boyfriend rules for players. The draft begins immediately after Patti and the Pottymouth release their starting lineups on the March 21st episode.

Where the F*ck is Toro?

Stop touching your face. It would be irresponsible not to discuss the intersection of the coronavirus and baseball, so we do. As a public service we share CDC information about how facial hair affects one’s ability to safely wear a respirator. After some soul-searching, Patti and the Pottymouth go ahead with Houston Asterisk boyfriends, but limit themselves to guys who did not play on the 2017 team.

Minor League Matchmaking, Now With Bonus Chihuahuas

In one month, Michael Rivers matched up dozens of financially-struggling minor league ballplayers with individuals willing and able to commit to a seasons’ worth of care packages and gift cards, and he’s still going strong. In this episode, we talk with Michael about how “Adopt a MiLB Player” began and how fans of the game can help out until MLB fixes its labor policies.

Eric Thames Arms

Tangents this week include Eric Thames’ arms, O. Henry, and Ironman’s math skills, which it turns out are better than Patti’s. Spring Training games have started yet there is still Astros scandal detritus to clean up. We do a quick MLB photo day review, including Eric Thames arms, and explain the new season’s rule changes which you can see in Spring Training games happening NOW.

BONUS: Coach Whitey

Coach Andrew Whitener (Coach Whitey), head strength and conditioning coach at DC Dynasty and owner of District Performance, talks with Patti and the Pottymouth about training players from DC Girls Baseball in this bonus episode of No Crying In Baseball.

Premeditated Retaliation

Did the Red Sox really do their due diligence around Alex Verdugo? Police reports indicate otherwise. But he just wants to move on. Astros owner Jim Crane apologized by stating he shouldn’t be held accountable. Just wants to move on. Former Astros apologize much better than current Astros, who can’t seem to stop talking, but just want to move on.

Defense Against the Dark Arts

New information on the Astros cheating scandal implicates interns, Excel, and Harry Potter. Were the right people punished? At the time of recording, the Mookie Betts trade remained up in the air, leading us to agree with Justin Turner that journalists shoving decorum to the side to get a scoop can make a real mess of things. Congrats to the champions of this year’s Caribbean Series, Toros del Este. Finally, please join with 100+ mayors around the country to share your stories of why minor league ball is a vital part of your community.

A Squirrel, a Polar Bear, the Beast and Superman walk into a bar...

We get way into the weeds around the Astros cheating scandal and cite a few studies trying to get at what players were doing. Pottymouth channels her inner Whitney to introduce her new Cleveland boyfriend, that “big happy chunk of ball destruction” Franmil Reyes. Robinson Canó and some of NCiB’s other favorite guys lead a march in the Dominican Republic to end violence against women. Finally, Kris Bryant loses his service time grievance, a bad sign for up-and-coming minor leaguers and the future of fair labor practices in baseball.

Just Wait ‘Til Next Year, Omar

Patti and the Pottymouth pull out their Mom cred to jump on Scott Boras’ assertions that the Astros players don’t need to apologize. We stay clear of ongoing investigations and select new kids, Bobby Dalbec and Marcus Wilson, as our Red Sox boyfriends. Patti and the Pottymouth report back from their happy hour with the adults behind DC Girls Baseball and are here to tell you what you can do to support girls playing baseball where you live.

A Little Bit Happy, A Little Bit WTF

Boyfriends this week come from the Rangers and the Cubs. We are overjoyed to cheer on Alyssa Nakken, the first female full time coach in the majors, and give Gabe Kapler grudging credit for a good hire and Patti and the Pottymouth perform a public service by saving their Astros Cheating Scandal rant until the end of the show, so they can set you up with the happy first.

Patti Breaks up with Anthony Rendon

Patti explains Arbitration, and runs through NCIB boyfriends past and present heading down the file and trial road. Mookie and Cody set records for deals.

Wild Boars, WAR, and A*&hole of the Year Award

In the first episode of the new year, we bestow our very first A*&hole of the year award to Domingo Germán, who earned the league’s longest suspension for violation of the domestic abuse policy for a player not formally charged. The Yankees clean house in training and conditioning and Pottymouth introduces us to Jazzmine Rivera, the first Hispanic woman to play collegiate baseball. Patti explains WAR, and what it is good for (absolutely something). All this, and Patti tries to roll a few Rs, and Pottymouth goads her into swearing.

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